"Ma'am. Ma'am. Ma'am, please. Please ma'am, don't ride that bicycle in our store. Ma'am stop! Please stop!" And that is how the day started.
If you do not see my article in this newspaper next week it will be because the women in my life had taken me out back and eliminated me. I am a glutton for punishment as I am going to wade into the deepest trouble I ever have with this story. I may or may not change the names and I will probably not let my first line editors read this story. The first line editors in my life are my wife and my aunt. I may or may not let them read this story, because either way I will probably be in trouble! Parts of this story may be enhanced to build a better story, other parts may be the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
I need to blame the beginning of this story on my brother Keith and my sister in law. They went out and bought bicycles and started acting like they were going to ride and get all healthy and everything. Well, since they did that my wife and I thought we needed to keep up with them, so we decided to buy some bicycles too. There was no way I was going to let my little brother out do me. Our spare tires are almost the same size and I could not bear the thought of his deflating before mine!
We had borrowed their bikes a couple of weeks ago to test drive them and then decided to get our own. Now you have to understand you are talking to a guy who has not been on a bicycle since Main Street Tomball was two lanes! If truth be told, when I got on Keith's bike the seat was so pointy and hard that I told him I would rather go take one of those old man tests for guys over fifty than have to ride his bicycle again. That thing hurt my booty real bad! They offered to allow us to borrow their bikes, but when you borrow stuff they may not be available at the exact time you wanted to use them, so we got our own.
Well, since my wife and I were getting a bike, Aunt Carol and Aunt Sue had to get one too! The three ladies headed down to the local Walmart and Aunt Sue felt she needed to be the first one to try hers out. She wanted to ride around in the store. She was told that was not allowed. She tried it anyway and the guy called security. She started down the children's aisle and plowed a few people over like bowling balls until they finally hand cuffed her at the back of the store. Just kidding!
A few days later the three ladies decided to go ride in Burroughs Park. They almost turned around after they saw a sign on the road that said "no wide load allowed". Uncle Ed wanted to follow them around with one of those escort trucks with flashing lights and a long flag pole on top. He even thought about buying one of those banners that read "wide load." We should have gone to the park and placed a sign on the little walk bridge that said "load limited".
These ladies all made sure their new bicycles had extra wide tires, but one of them complained about the tires being low. I looked at the weight limit, but didn't have the heart to tell her it was overloaded.
Since I'm already in trouble, my friend Buddy told me he was widening the doors of his home for his wife Ruby. Well, actually, he was thinking about it. Of course the truth is not what he insinuated, but it was because she was temporarily in a wheel chair. Of course he always tries to emphasize otherwise.
Well, I guess my goose is cooked now. I've got to watch my back because I have poked fun at these ladies at their expense. Of course as they know and you know it was all in good clean fun. When my own mother saw me ride up on a bike she bent over with laughter!
We have actually had fun on our bikes. There have been a few good days of great weather for riding and I have really enjoyed it. I look forward to the future – what little I may have left after they get through with me!
This entire story was actually written once before, about three or four years ago. Now here's the rest of the story. The bicycles are now parked in our respective garages sitting along side the small round floor trampoline, the walker, the muscle building machine, the rubber straps and all the other paraphernalia we own. The pounds and inches we so much wanted to lose are still hanging around. The moral of the story is this. Well, there isn't one, just don't go buy a bike unless you really plan on using it!