I am living proof that wisdom comes with age. The older I get, the more wisdom I exude with each day that passes. My greatest wisdom is related to marriage and therefore, I need to expound this wisdom to the younger generation of men. It is my duty to pass this wisdom along to make marriages better for the men of the world! Young men, hear my words of wisdom and heed them, well! There are a few rules you must learn to live by in order to keep peace in the household.
Rule # 1. Never assist the woman in your life by carrying crystal plates, cups or other fine chinaware that is considered an heirloom, or that may be expensive. I don't care how strong or manly you may be, these items are always subject to jump off of tables or out of your arms without notice. If your wife asks you to move these items, simply act like you are gagging real bad or go into a coughing fit. You can fake a bad hand, broken leg or even a strained back, but never lay a hand on these items.
Rule #2. Never offer to carry any kind of food or baked products that are being used for special celebrations such as weddings, anniversaries or showers. Recently I’ve held true to my beliefs on this and was saved by my insistence to not carry a wedding shower cake. My wife and I had gone to a local bakery to pick up this cake for my niece's shower that was being held at our home. The cake was a three tiered cake and it was in a box, but I told my wife that it would be best if I do not touch it, knowing full well that the worst could happen if I touched the thing. My wife carefully carried the box from the store and it was my job to drive her and the cake home while it rested gingerly on her lap in our car. We made it home just fine and the cake was carefully placed on the serving table for consumption the next day. The cake was covered and there it sat during the night awaiting the event the next day. I was instructed to leave our house during the shower (Rule #3. Always leave the house during showers!) and I gracefully obeyed the demands to vacate the house early. While I was away and as my wife and some of the other ladies opened the box to begin preparations, to their awe, shock and dismay THE CAKE HAD FALLEN OVER AND WAS SMASHED AGAINST THE SIDE OF THE BOX! This of course is a major disaster to any group of women. If it were a group of men we would have simply passed out forks to all the guys and eaten right out of the box in assembly line fashion, but for the lady folk this was really, really bad. There was only one hour before the shower and they scrambled back to the store and found a quick replacement. Not as pretty and not as well prepared as the first one, but at least they had a cake to take pictures with, even though it was a replacement cake.
Rule # 4. Act shocked and dismayed even if you really don't care what happened to their cake. Always sympathize with them.
And now that I am passing down my wisdom to the younger men, here is one last bit of advice on another subject. Always check your fly. Twice now in the past few months I have caught myself coming into work with a feeling of air about myself, only to find out I had failed to zip up. But last week, I had a different problem. I went to the hospital to visit my friend Buddy and as I walked across the parking lot this same feeling of air came about me. I immediately checked my fly only to find it securely in place. As I continued up the elevator and down the hall to his room I knew there was a problem so I quickly reached down once again to check things out, when I found I had busted my pants between the legs. I went in to his room anyhow and there was his wife Carolyn and other family members. Carolyn politely asked me to have a seat but I politely refused and remained standing with my body slightly turned away from them as I visited. Oh well, it wasn't the first time and I guess it won't be the last time these things happen. Life goes on.
- Clifford
